What My Bi-Polar Relationship Taught Me About Me

When I met my wife I had no idea what the term Bi-Polar was. This was about 5 years ago and maybe it was because I had been in the Army for the last 10 or so years but I was probably a little less informed than your average citizen about mental health.

I never had too much of an issue with my mental health. I mean I never had to see a psychiatrist or took medication. As far as I was concerned, mental health was an issue that other people had at times, many of which were relatives or close friends or even some of my Soldiers. I would say I had a lot of sympathy and empathy, but not a lot of real understanding and I most definitely did not think I had mental health issues.

How could I know that though if I didn’t have any real understanding of what mental health was? The truth is that yes, as my relationship with my wife deepened, I began to understand more about her struggles and how we could build a life of happiness despite her diagnosis. This part to me was relatively straight forward. What I did not expect was that through my effort to understand and improve our lifestyle and create the conditions for a happy life, I discovered the extent to which I contributed to our problems. I assumed for the longest time that my wife’s condition would be something we dealt with which I accepted along with the behavior that sometimes came along with that. I loved her and I was dedicated to her but our relationship did not truly flourish until I recognized my part in the problem.

I began to recognize how quick I was to anger and frustration. When I finally agreed to work on this problem, I realized just how much stress I was carrying ALL THE TIME. I became more mindful of the way things made me feel and I realized just how often I was feeling tense. Honestly, at first, I didn’t know what to do in these situations.

I knew I shouldn’t act out. I knew I had to find some way to calm myself. I didn’t know how or with what I could replace the agitation with. I resorted to detachment for a while but acting apathetic in a situation (especially with your wife) is not really an ideal tactic either. I explained to her that I was working on becoming less angry and agitated and although she was understandably annoyed at times, she gave me the space to try and figure it out.

I didn’t get a handle on it until I went deeper and recognized just how much pressure I had the habit of putting on myself. I’ve been an extremely ambitious and competitive person my entire life and these traits drove me to achieve some high goals in the military. I never really understood the extent to which my behavior was also being driven by a fear of failure.

If you would have asked me before this transformation whether I thought I had a fear of failure I would have given you some rational answer which was true but deflective like, “Yes, of course, but I think most people fear failure on some level.” Just because other people share something though, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t acknowledge the extent and depth of the role it plays in your own life.

Fear of failure was ingrained so deep in my behavior that habitual patterns of thought magnified tiny worries by a thousand times. It is impossible to be successful at everything of life. I knew that then as a truth but now I know it as a truth in myself. I’ve even grown to love it as an undeniable truth because every time I acknowledge it, I also remember the gigantic weight I’m no longer required to carry around.

Strangely, my relationship with someone diagnosed with a mental illness helped me become a healthier and happier person. There are many people out there who unfortunately deal with serious and diagnosed mental illness. They are given no choice but to take their daily struggles head on and they do so with tremendous courage and unthinkable resilience.

I believe now that every single person needs to approach their mental health head on, no matter if you are diagnosed, high functioning, happy go-lucky etc. This doesn’t just require knowing but seeing, feeling and watching yourself in the world and asking yourself honestly, “Is this really how I want to live?” It might surprise you just how much this process can lift your spirit day after day.